Seeing the Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama came to SF and spoke at the Bill Graham Civic Center a week ago.

Before this event, I didn’t even know who he was and what he believed in. Turns out that he’s been exiled from Tibet for a long time now and has lived more of his life in other parts of the world, giving him a broader perspective than previous Dalai Lamas. Talk about presence — as he came to the stage, he received standing applauses from the thousands of people in attendance. His spoken English was decent, but occasionally relied on a translator for complex words. He wasn’t an eloquent speaker, but communicated with strong confidence and depth of understanding.

His message was simple — to talk about how to produce positive change, which requires you to have a positive state of being first. The value for me in going was probably two-fold: to witness a spiritual leader engage a “foreign” audience and to validate what I currently know about life, humans, and happiness. Overall, I felt good about what I heard and that he shares perspectives that I agree with.

So here are some of my notes:

• Do you see adversity as an opportunity for positive change?
  • This is a perspective question. About how you see issues and problems, similar to if you see a glass of water as half full or half empty.
• His objectives are two-fold: promoting human values and religious harmony
• Mental issues like worry, fear, anxiety cannot be addressed by the physical elements
  • When you are not happy (a mental state), physical things like money or career titles are not going to help you address this long-term. If you take a look at people who do achieve their financial and career goals, do they really become happy? or are they still unhappy but now with even higher aspirations? Unhappiness needs to be solved in the mental domain.
• If one tries to control his external environment, there are so many sources out there to disturb you. This approach is like trying to cover the world with leather so that you wouldn’t hurt your feet walking around, instead just cover your feet with leather and leave the world be
• Continue to recognize how similar people are. In one way or another, we seek truth and compassion. We are all born from a mother and survived by “mother’s milk” and affection.
  • Fear brings additional complications and feelings that prevent you from seeing the reality of situations. He believes that this is why people turn violent, because fear has prevented them from seeing what’s actually happening and instead lead them down potentially inhumane actions like killing.
  • One way to counter fear is compassion. Confront enemies without losing compassion and then you can have meaningful dialogue, as opposed to violence. Also, view people as a part of you, not foreign to you.
  • He believes that some animals (e.g. turtles and butterflies) don’t have the capacity for affection and compassion, depending upon if the babies of these species require the mother there in early stages of development.
• He believes that all religions have an underlying, shared principles like forgiveness, faith, compassion and respect, however religion is sometimes the cause of wars and violence
  • How do you determine the “best” religion? If we’re talking about an individual, he/she will probably believe in one truth or one religion. If we’re talking about groups of people, there will be a mix of different religious beliefs and who’s to judge for the group which one is right for each individual? The “best” depends on the individual’s preference.
• When talking about peace, he shared hopes that the rich would be more willing to serve the poor by lending their expertise more so than money, while the poor work on improving their mental outlook of the world and build more self-confidence.
  • He pointed out that when the poor face worldly frustrations, it can more easily translate into violence.
• In order to produce positive change, individuals who seek this must find inner-peace first. Start small by bringing peace into your own home, among your friends, in work, in your city, and grow this.
  • I think this is a really important point and can be widely applied.  For instance, in college, I was pretty self-conscious about being fun and funny around people.  Over time, I realized that in order to be fun, I had to have fun.
• In the Q&A, he was asked “what advice do you you have for parents that want their kids to grow up compassionate”?
  • Answer: I’ve never raised kids. I’m a monk. <everyone laughs> But I can say, spend more time with your kids and show them compassion.

 

Harvard Research on Happiness

WOW — a pretty deep, articulate, and funny speech from a Harvard psychologist around how humans become happy and unhappy.

http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/97

My scatter-brained takeaways include:

• Our brains systematically misjudge what will make us happy. We think having options and flexibility are good but actually, having options and flexibility generally lead us to more self-doubt and potentially misery. On the other hand, being forced one way tend to give us more support in making peace with our choices.
• Defend yourself when you have options and too much flexbility by being confident in the choices you make without looking back. He admits that there are “good” and “bad” decisions but my opinion is that this can only be done in hindset. When you make decisions, you probably don’t have all the information at the time so you have to guess. If decisions do feel like they were wrong later on, maybe we should be nicer to ourselves because we don’t have fully visibility into our futures…
• How can we become more confident in our choices? Since 2M years ago, humans have developed the frontal lobe which allows us to derive what he calls “synthetic happiness” – a way of imagining that something is actually going well when it’s not. Although, he gave numerous seemingly ridiculous examples of people who claimed to be happy [like a guy who was in prison for 30+ years and the guy who turned down the McDonald's franchise], he proved through research that people do have the capability of imagining that they really do like something, when in the past, they didn’t.
• “Synthetic happiness” is real. My interpretation is that this is synonymous to “brainwashing ourselves” (or telling ourselves that we are happy) and it has material impact on our happiness…
• Lastly, remember that when our ambition is bounded, we work joyfully. When our ambitions aren’t bounded, we could lie, cheat, be depressed, and sacrifice things that are important. My interpretation of this principle is truly that “ignorance is bliss”, but when situations in life break us out of this ignorance, we pursue ways to bound our ambitions and ideals again.

Cheers!

 

Myers Briggs Step III

Last week, I went to Sacramento for an introduction to the Step III assessment that is coming out later this year. The results of this assessment is supposed to evaluate how well you use your type functions! And the vision is to help individuals make their perceptions clearer, their judgments sounder, and their lives closer to the heart’s desire. But if anything, it will help bring about great discussions about personal development. Keep in mind that now someone won’t even have to learn the Myers Briggs lingo to understand the Step III results. This is contrary to Step I and Step II where you do need to have an understanding of Type.

It’s a common misconception that for the Myers Briggs, the numbers that you get as a result mean “how good you are” at that dimension. It actually means how confidence the test is in your scoring. However, this new assessment will provide color into your competency in your functions.

Here are just some gems that I noted from the session:

• You can be aware of things, but it takes time to integrate it into your life. When you read a self-help book, you might have heard of the concepts, but how well do you live by them?
• Good development means you are tolerant of other people but run your own affairs
• Poor development means you tell other people what they should do and neglect your own responsibilities
• Dispositions of the mind, like limbs of the body, acquire strength by exercise … Thomas Jefferson
• Strong E’s and J’s are likely to get promoted for their ability to just make decisions. At times, they might make decisions with very little information! In time however, this will catch up to them when mistakes get costly.
• Child development can go wrong with over-indulging parents. They grow up with the wrong expectations, for example, that they will get what they want from life. That people will be able to figure out what you want from your tantrums or body language.
• If children are raised amid constant crises, they will grow up thinking that they don’t have the resources to match the world. Or, they will get so defensive that they will think that the best defense is the best offense … to become hyper-aggressive people.
• Overall, people need goals and work better with goals … idleness deteriorates humans.
• My experience is what I agree to attend to. Only those items, which I notice, shape my mind.
• Coaches will spend most of their time around appreciating a person’s skills and identifying what’s important … this is because it’s easy for people to take their skills and assets for granted.
• If a client reacts with an emotional “It’s wrong” attitude to an assessment, there’s likely something worth talking about here.
• Test to see if you need some personal development help …
  • Do you feel like you have sufficient resources to meet the demands of the world?
• Build confidence and self-motivation, while reducing strain in your life. These words are assessed in Step III.
• The Step III has been piloted with CEO’s and other high-powered individuals and the good news is that they found tremendous value in this assessment. It told them something new.

 

Care to join?

Just wanted to share a list of things I’m working on … please let me know if you wanna provide insight, learn more, or participate!

• Join the ~30 others who know the Myers Briggs lingo – The Myers Briggs provides you with a high-level framework to understand yourself and others. Helps you grasp direction into managing yourself, relationships, career, and decisions.
• Become more self-aware and start livin’ a more fulfilling life - With Fat Mike and Teo, we’re piloting peer coaching trios and have gone through about 6 weeks of pretty good self-reflection, open sharing of personal stories, and seeing life a bit differently. I’ll be starting 3 more groups with LeadersWiki team members and another with Lijen and Ben …
• Learn life lessons from Intuit leaders - With Tony, Angela, and Chris, we’re preparing a story for people early on in their careers … to be completed Jan 07. For ~6 months, we’ve gathered insights from 40 leaders at Intuit through 1 hour interviews. Originally, we thought we were going to gain insights into how to trek the career ladder faster, but instead, we walked away with more important life insights.

 

Different Interpretations = Different Behaviors

A bunch of things happened recently that made me believe more in the observation of … people observe the SAME things but think, react, and feel DIFFERENTLY. And acting differently manifests in different opinions, emotions, and behaviors. So I think part of the reason why some people think that the glass of milk is half full and others half empty, is because that’s what they want to see. What are things that constantly bugs you in the world or consistently makes you feel crappy? Perhaps it’s the way you are seeing the situation and you might have an opportunity to start practicing another intepretation that makes you feel better. So let me share what I’ve been noticing.

People observe same things but think, react, and feel differently. I was in a meeting the other day and presented the data around average start-up costs for a business. It’s roughly $6K for an individual and $20K for a group of people. Steven, a vice president of strategy, interpreted those numbers as pretty high, considering that most people have a hard time saving money and instead are constantly living paycheck to paycheck. Brad, a senior vice president, interpreted those numbers to be really low, that it only takes some pocket change to start a business? The only way for us to find the right interpretation was to ask the real judge, people starting small businesses. To them, this amount money is a lot.

Expert sources. both Tony Robbins and a guru-coach by the name of James Flaherty believe that this a key input to helping people improve. But they explained it in slightly different ways. Tony explains these principles in terms of meaning. What are your definitions of life, relationships, or your own identity? If you believe that humans are creatures of consistency, then humans will do what it takes to make those definitions come alive for themselves. So if you see life as a challenge, you will probably seek out challenges. If you see life as sustaining deep relationships, you will probably spend lots of time nurturing the closest people in your life. So if you hit a wall in life, Tony recommends changing a definition or meaning that isn’t working for you anymore. James uses the word interpretation instead where coaches need to be aware of the different interpretations that a client has to things. To see which interpretations are like roadblocks, keeping clients from their goals.

An example I’ve noticed. Now that I’m finishing up the 2 year rotational program, we’ve been given a list of potential full-time jobs that we could seek. At first glance, the list was pretty shabby for my interests … loosely jobs with more forward-thinking, tackling brand new problems, and in a environment that is very adaptable and light on its feet. There was only 1 of these jobs. For a week or so, I was a bit troubled that there was only one and that it somewhat lacked the people development stuff that I’ve been eager to spend more time in. This was my interpretation of the list and the options I’ve had.

During week two, I felt much more uneasy. Some recommended that I take some time off to explore the people development avenue, whereas some recommended that this one job could give you some competencies that would be helpful in coaching … especially since it an environment with lots of change (people tend to stress in change), responsibility, and uncertainty. So day by day, my opinion would waiver and I’d tell people very different things from one hour to the next!

Fortunately, I thought about this stuff and realized that my interpretation of what’s been going on was stressing me out. Taking a step back, I realized a few things that put me to ease:

• I’m lucky to have a lot of caring people around me to help me through these decisions
• I have good options … there is a job that is a potentially a good candidate for me and a good backup option, taking leave, that I would look forward to as well.
• So what’s the worst thing that could happen? nothing really…
• I’m fortunate to know what I want to be doing in the future … directionally. This way, with either of these options, my attention in that job or during leave would be around this direction.
• Got some money in the bank so that I could cruise for a bit … but not forever.

So as a result, changing my intepretation, put me to ease. I’ve been able to enjoy my days much better — without this stuff on the back of my mind. I feel less stressed about a decision where I have really good options — no need to stress so much. So yes, you could call this brainwashing yourself or giving yourself more perspective with a hint of optimism.

 

How come I can’t just “do it”

Most people have things that they want to change about themselves. Usually these things are around changing current behavior … I want to exercise more, I want to drink less, etc. We’re able to follow our plans and make change happen for a few days or weeks … but it doesn’t stick long-term.  Why not?  I think people forget to work on changing their mindset, along with their behaviors.  So here are a few ways to think about this:

I remember learning something from one of our VPs of leadership development that I wanted to expand upon:

Change = Pain + Vision + First Steps

The bigger the change, the more answers you need on the right side and be really clear & explicit of what these things are. So I think formula makes sense to a bunch of people. If you’re trying to manage food quantity better, the pain is excess calories, vision is improved health + fitness, and clear first steps could be just eating roughly 75% of the portions.

But stopping here hasn’t really worked me. Some additional things that have helped me improve my chances:

1. Write down all your thoughts on paper. Seriously!
   • This is so key to materialize all the swarming ideas into something that you can refer back to later. It will serve as a snapshot of your thinking. And you can keep referring back to it day after day, instead of constantly circling back to things you’ve thought about over and over again.
2. Why you want to change in the first place? Are your standards for yourself too high or too low?
   • What is the real motivation? Why do you feel like this is important? If you think of an answer, keep asking “why or so what?” to drill down on the core motivation.
3. What’s painful about what you’re doing today? What’s the consequence of not changing?
   • This is critical to understand because it will really increase your ability to change. Let’s say there are two people … both want to drink less and both think drinking is fun. The first person wants to because his doctor told him that his liver is getting damaged. The second person wants to because he doesn’t want the additional calories. Who’s more likely to succeed? There’s much more at stake for the person who has a health risk — this overrides the “fun” temptations.
   • What can you do if you’re the second person? Try to attach your painful consequences. So if it’s not enough that you’re taking extra calories, tell yourself that you’ll rip up a $20 dollar bill. If not this, think of ways to make this behavior painful. Because if you don’t, the “fun” will have the best of you.
4. What other rewards are you going to give yourself instead?
   • You existing behaviors has its benefits and now you’re going take it away from yourself. How can you replace the current rewards with other rewards? Everytime you successfully do the new behavior, if needed, try to attach other rewards. For me, other rewards are things like 5 minutes of singing, giving a friend a call who I haven’t talked to in a while … these things feel good with no repercussions on what I want to change.
5. Visualizing what the future looks like, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year!
   • At each stage, how do you think, how do you talk, how do you feel, etc. I try to play this back every morning, briefly. The words on my whiteboard help me remember what I’m supposed to visualize.
6. Repeat … build repetition.
   • Change isn’t all about changing your behaviors. It’s also about changing your mind. It takes the same rigor and isn’t a flip of the switch type thing. Hopefully these things are written down and you can reflect on it for just a minute every morning.

Lastly, the more you can socialize what you’re up to with others, the more likely you will hold yourself accountable. Pretend you’re like a public figure, so that even in the confines of your home, it feels like your behaviors are being watched. Creepy thought, yes. But don’t you think it’s must easier to break when you think nobody’s watching?

We’re not perfect creatures, so everyone has their ups and downs. For me, the hardest thing is to reverse poor eating habits that I’ve had since elementary school. Hopefully, constantly improving yourself is fun for you, even when it’s tough. Please enjoy the journey and the rewards!

 

Is being happy too idealistic?

I’ve been mentioning to some people that I went to a “happiness” seminar over the weekend when asked about my weekend. Pretty funny responses from about 8 people… in general, I’ve received some sarcastic responses — not too surprised though.

A seminar on happiness? Who puts something like that on? So are you “happy” now?

In trying to find out where the sarcasm is coming from, I ran it by Tony, who thinks that most people probably won’t admit that they’re not happy — it appears weak — who needs a course on it. In terms of figuring out who really is or isn’t, obviously onlythe individual can only validate & define this for themselves. Someone could appear to be the happiest person, yet feel empty inside and not tell others.

Generally, I think a common, but flawed way of thinking about happiness is that it’s a net positive thing. Add up all that makes you happy in life and subtract it with all that you’re not happy with … and that’s how happy you are. Where does all the neutral time factor in? We probably spend the most time in the neutral time.

Is it possible to think of happiness as a content-free, ongoing state of being? I’d like to think so.

So my response has been … “Yea I’m pretty happy … and I’m working on it”… I’m working on it? Did I just say that? Is it something you can work on?

After thinking about it briefly, my guess is that happiness is a mindset thing. I definitely have some old views that I’m in the process of correcting, and I think it takes practice. It may seem that mindset changes could happen with a flip of a switch … but I think the “flip of the switch” sensation we feel is more of an “a-ha” moment, where a new way of thinking makes more sense than the old way. It takes practice to ingrain that new thinking into our everyday behaviors. So does that mean happiness takes practice? Is it a skill? If so, who’s good at it?