We’ve got everything we need to be happy

I went to a great seminar about happiness, hosted by New West Ventures, an integral coaching school in SF. Prior to the event, I did have a few small concerns like … what kinds of people would show up?  would they be bitter people who arelooking for this big guarantee called “happiness”? Anyways, I was interested in learning about the theoretical & psychological view on happiness so I went …

I’m just going to make a fatty list of all the takeaways I had. This is definitely stuff that is a work-in-progress for me.  Lemme know if you see me behaving otherwise plz. The speaker, James Flagherty, was a profound yet good-humored, thought-leader on life — taking a holistic, open view. I was actually pretty taken back by his insights and especially his ability to “mind probe” this one audience member so deeply during a coaching demo. Afterwards, I walked away fairly convinced of some of the timeless principles — though a lot to internalize for one day. I’ll probably register for his year-long training course on coaching that costs $7600 bucks in the next few years. Ouch.

1. What works for me may not work for you. Maybe what works for you, can only come from you.
   • Solutions address needs and people have different needs.  For me, I need a very logical & structured understanding of the world, so the Myer’s Briggs concepts are helpful for me. Others can get by without this perspective.
2. Today, we have everything we need to be happy. What else do you still think you need?
   • Happiness is not a function of things. Things don’t make us happy. When I bought my Acura TL, I remember I was happy for about a week or so. Finally, owning my dream car became reality! In hindsight, the car is a nice-to-have so it’s not a key factor of to my happiness. Rather I’m trying to think of happiness as a function of my mind. Something I can bring to any situation.
   • People look out to culture & the world for what they need. Try looking within yourself instead.  This may just be my excuse to justify NOT buying $200+ dollar jeans to be fashionable.  I really don’t think I care about being fasionable … am I missing something here?
3. Live “Young @ Heart”
   • Why do we feel good about seeing babies and dogs? It might be how they look at us with eager eyes every time. With puppy, if I leave the apt for 10 minutes and come back, he greets with me with the same level of excitement as if I’ve been gone for a week! On the other hand, humans tend to become more and more close minded as we get older. For example, we become more selective with who they spend time with … sometimes feeling like it’s “work” to even get together. Routines start to kick in; some call it the daily grind. I know it’s hard, but ideally, we should approach every situation with fresh and new eyes … always open to possibilities … with a beginner’s mind, not an expert’s mind that thinks it knows all there is to know. This is cliche, but I should try to live life as if it’s my last day. My suspicion is that if this takes a lot of energy to do, then there’s probably a lot of stuff being added to the plate and not much being taken off.  So too much to chew.
   • This Frank Sinatra song captures this principle really well: Right-click Save As: Young at Heart
4. Be present. How many other things are you thinking about as your read this? =)
   • If you watch “Sweet Sixteen” on MTV (you know, when you’re at the gym when there is nothing better to watch), it’s so obvious that the spoiled girls are incredibly stressed as they try to make every detail of their damn bday perfect. Their goal is to “make this the best party EVER” … all this strain just to create lasting memories, rather than enjoying the moment. This outlook is dangerous because it encourages event-driven happiness. This outlook sounds like the following: when you’re not currently involved in an event (like a clubbing or a birthday), then this time is bland. When you’re in the event, you could be preoccupied by a few things: busy taking pictures to “log” the memory or spending time thinking about the next event that will make you happy. I’d have to say that I get caught up in the organization of events too much at times, which prevents me from enjoying myself.  This one is tough.
   • Quality suffers greatly when multi-tasking … when your attention is on too many things at once.  What if a surgeon had a bluetooth receiver in his ear while performing surgery so that he could answer some questions for other patients?
5. Avoid splitting yourself (e.g. “I’m this way at work, and I’m this way at home”, “my stomach is saying one thing and my mind is saying another”) Splitting ends when we’re fully present. Not wishing we were somewhere else.
   • Splitting is best manifested through the feeling of strain or struggle. Have you ever thought of struggle just as your “internal commentary of life” or as a rejection of what’s happening in the world? Explore times when you feel strain and ask yourself why do I feel this way? I’ve been feeling lots of strain when there’s conflict of interest between preparing for my marathon versus enjoying myself in SF. So I think I’ve had some good reflection on … why am I running this marathon? why do I think I need to run this? why do I feel like drinking today?
6. For competitive types, think in terms of winning or losing … who’s better who’s worse … adds to our unhappiness. Loser — how does that word make you feel?
   • Unfortunately, if you’re in the loser or worse bucket, you feel miserable and unhappy. In high school, kids feel like it’s not worth living if you’re a loser. It takes some practice to be okay with losing. I hope to live by the phrase “just give it your best” and really be okay with it. For example, my rotational program is wrapping up … and there’s an opportunity for some to get promoted from Associates to Managers. It’s clear that there are some who will be promoted and some who won’t be, for various reasons. I think I’m okay with not being in the promoted bucket — though I couldn’t see myself saying this a years ago … Being okay with this is probably due to the fact that I’m trying not to attach my identity with this promotion & thinking big picture, what’s the rush? Either title, Associate or Manager, doesn’t really accurately describe who I am anyways. When people ask me what I do, I’d like to think of a better way to describe myself than say what work I do, at what level. This brings me to the insight that: bringing up your past to validate yourself or looking to others for validation is a clue that you’re victim to this mentality (I definitely fall into this category today).
7. A 4-quadrant framework for self-assessing yourself. Think of each quadrant as a complete separate knowledge set.
   1. “Inside Me” – What you think and feel. What’s important to you. What emotions & body sensations you feel. Also called phenomenology.
   2. “Outside Me” – Your body & body language. Behaviors & how they are perceived. This area of study includes medicine, management, and atheletic training.
   3. “Inside Group” – History, culture, language, relationships.
   4. “Outside Group” – Natural environment, man-made environment, technology, machinery, stuff.

I’m horribly ignorant to quadrant 4 and very focused on 1, 2, and a bit of 3 in the people relationship realm. That’s why I have friends like Ronni & Sheena who expose me to 3 & 4.  Go Harvard.

8. Having goals are great. However, if you attach whether or not you achieve the goal to how you identify yourself, then you are a slave to the goal.
   • Like winning and losing, you feel great if you accomplish a goal and crappy if you don’t. Same trap here.  We should be enjoying the journey more than the result. For me, I should be enjoying the time spent training & running the marathon. The output is of becoming more fit & making it within a certain time is merely a bonus.
9. Businesses love people who will work themselves to death … types who think losing & not achieving goals are intolerable.
   • This pretty much describes me a year ago I think — willing to slave away & work hard. I feel like I’ve changed a lot since then — thanks to our LeadersWiki project (interviewing 40 leaders @ Intuit) & the people development self-study I’ve been doing. In the future, I hope to feel like the business is working for me as opposed to me working for the business… That I’m fortunate enough to define my own best-fit-for-me job and not take on an already existing one where I have to mold & squeeze myself into.
10. Be wary of the trap in asking yourself … “well, what am I gonna get out of this?” How can I be more efficient … putting in the least amount of input for the greatest amount of output? This kind of thinking makes it really hard to give — coming from a selfish or stingy attitude.
    • Numerous philosophers & religions seem to agree that the secret to happiness is to give. To give towards a cause that is beyond yourself. If you’re always asking yourself what you’re going to get out of something … then I see it as wasting time towards time that could be spent giving. I’m trying to weigh more of my decisions towards options where I can give more. For example in picking my next job, I’ll try to pick the job where I think I can I be giving more in (and not so much which job can I get paid the most in).
11. Most importantly, how can you begin to make decisions that will make you happy?
    • Making informed decisions is really key here. If we all quit our jobs today, that wouldn’t solve anything. My opinion is that truly spending time to understand yourself through reflection or coaching is the best way. (I’m trying to find a coach myself). Who am I if I weren’t doing anything productive? What makes my body feel positive sensations? What does it look like when I feel good about myself?  Why am I wired to think this way?  Is this the way I want to be wired?  I still haven’t really found too many answers to these questions, but good thing I have it written here haha.

    To wrap up, you can start with this decision which will help inform all the decisions you make in the future.  If you had to choose happiness or productivity … which would you choose?  Do you think you’re living by this choice?  This is almost a no-brainer exercise that helps point out exlicitly which is more important to you.  Does anyone think that productivity = happiness?